Stop Living in the Subjunctive
It's a phrase that comes out of my mouth regularly in sessions.
Usually, I'm speaking to someone who is replaying a situation from years ago, trying to find the exact moment where everything went "wrong." Or they're listing all the ways someone else should have behaved differently so their life would be "better."
They're not really talking about the past. They're avoiding grief.
The subjunctive tense helps us express what could have, should have, or would have happened if . . . Most, though not all, languages have a subjunctive tense.
I love that the subjunctive invites us to reflect on how our actions can influence outcomes. We have agency in our lives. We can act differently and change the course of a situation. People who are focused on growth naturally evaluate how they can change themselves.
But the subjunctive can also be limiting. I find that people get stuck in the subjunctive in one of two ways. First, they become attached to the idea that if they had done something "better," they would have achieved a more ideal outcome. The desire to learn from life becomes self-blame and fuels relentless perfectionism. Second, they become victims of their own story, focusing on what others could have done "better" and dwelling on how they have been wronged. Rather than seeking growth, they seek validation for their suffering.
"Stop living in the subjunctive," people sometimes hear me say as I gently pull them out of these spirals. There is a way to learn from life and from one another without remaining fixated on the ideal version of the story. We can recognize that we grew through difficult circumstances and that we would never make the same choices again. This is evidence of growth, not a reason for shame.
How can we make space for who we were and who we are, fully recognizing that these are often not the same person, even though a thread connects them?
We can also embrace the people in our lives as our teachers and trust that our path is guided by God, not only when it is joyful, but also when it is painful. This mindset gives birth to gratitude. It is living outside the subjunctive. It is accepting what is and what has been, grief and all—knowing and feeling, even without fully understanding.
So the next time you find yourself speaking in the subjunctive, ask yourself what you really mean. Are you trying to express hurt or grief? Is it your own actions that trouble you, or the actions of those around you?
Thank you for continuing to walk this path with me.
This Week’s Reflection
“Dead people are people too.”
Featured Photo by Violet
I took my kids to the zoo last week. My daughter was working on her photography homework, which was photographing birds. She also snapped several amazing pictures in the reptile house. This is a photo of a monitor. While it looks like an incredibly staged and perfect set, it was actually an ugly and dark enclosure. Sometimes, it is easy to look at snapshots of another person's life and see it through the incredible lens of what could be there, not what is actually there. Thanks, Violet, for another powerful lesson.